My last post on Emotional Abuse got a lot of traffic and reaction. I rest my case. We still need to be working on this aspect of abuse because it is the hardest one to manage in my opinion because the damage can’t necessarily be seen. It can be covert , underhanded and hidden abuse. In no way does that mean I think we should be less aware of or less active in dealing with other forms of abuse. No way. Unfortunately history keeps repeating itself, we don’t learn and we just keep allowing abuse to continue. It has to stop. I’d like to think we are the generation and century of human beings who can change this. We have the brains, the insight, the tools and connectivity. Since my last post emotional abuse has been better identified. That’s a big step in the right direction. People need to know what it is. They need to know it happens and they need to know what it looks and feels like.
The next step will be just as big but much harder. We need to work out ways of shutting it down and stopping it. We also need to understand why people do this to others. Joining together and bringing all our ideas to the table will help untangle a lot of this. All abuse needs to be out in the open no matter how hard that is to confront and deal with. It’s the first step. Allowing it to go on behind closed doors is no longer good enough. We need the research, the experts, the documentation. It doesn’t matter whether it’s cyber bullying, family emotional abuse, abuse within a personal relationship, at work , from an organisation looking at it clearly and then approaching it methodically is our only hope. Focus Adolescent Services identifies it very clearly and has some excellent links out to other related information.
On a whim I bought the four pack of journals put out by Flow magazine at the beginning of last year. I had never heard of Flow . I just thought the journals would suit me. I’ve since read Flow magazines and been to their website and follow them on Instagram. It’s a very positive, helpful way of looking at life. The journals were guided and gave you things to do and each one had a theme. From the lists one I actually learned I only need to make lists when I am under pressure and can do them really well. I also learned how I trick myself by writing lists and then doing a lot of things which are not on the list and then not having time to do the list things. I can use lists to make myself feel inadequate. That was a real eyeopener. The slow living one was good because it was what I was trying to achieve. It gave me a way of looking at it and then a way of developing my life in my own way. Through this year of journaling I have used the journals to plan and achieve ideas. I have evidence of how I do things from conception to completion and the journaling about it meant I could back track and look over what I had been doing both for information and to self correct or review. The journals helped me to plan and achieve so many things last year. I finished the last one the other day. My daughter knew how much I liked journaling so she had bought me the next version of a journal for Christmas. It has some guided spots but I am left a lot to my own devices. I have levelled up in journaling. themuses has some good ways to get you motivated into journaling. I find the paper versions work for me because I am not being tracked, quantified, saved or interfered with in any way. It is just me and my journal. It’s not private but I am developing ideas and concepts. It is 100% my time and my space. I have found that journaling is that Mahatma Gandhi saying you hear – Be the change you want to see in the world.
There is a fine line between dealing with and managing a control freak and being the victim of emotional abuse. Victim being the operative word. If you feel like a victim , you probably are and you need to get the help to deal with that frame of mind and set of behaviours. Easier said than done depending on the nature of the controlling behaviour. We all like to be in control. We want our coffee the way we want it. We want to be able to relax in the way we relax. We want to make phone calls the way we make them and do our washing the way we do it. We need to bring control freak back into common parlance so that we recognise unhealthy controlling behaviour in ourselves and then unhealthy controlling behaviour in others. It is really difficult when they play a key role in your life. uncommonhelp gives some really practical advice as to how to deal with control freaks. The best bit is that it is all doable so even if you find it hard to stand up for yourself you have a chance of being able to master these suggestions. Dr Judith Orloff analyses the situation better so that you can get some clarity. That’s important. Often you feel very confused. There is usually a reason that people become controllers. We shouldn’t minimise the behaviour by calling them micro managers or helicopter parents. wikihow explains really well the difference between someone who has strong views and boundaries and one who is a controller. Sorting it out for yourself is how you manage it. If you are not able to do that , it is important to use trusted, successful people to get help and information.
Over 14 million hits on You Tube and counting. Jesse is adorable. We all want a Jesse and we all watch marvelling at how well trained he is. He loves being busy. He is such a happy dog. Heather , his owner, has trained him with love, patience and a plan. Seems to me to be an excellent way of approaching anything in life – love, patience and a plan. The results are extraordinary and we all love Jesse.
Life can be pretty harsh sometimes. People you know and love can become so sick they end up sitting in a chair. My mother became like that when she had lymphoma and it’s when she said , “You can’t live life sitting in a chair.” She became very profound during her illness and the legacy she has left are messages which just hit the spot. My beautiful neighbour of 25 years recently was in a similar position. Her life became the recliner in the lounge room because she had pancreatic cancer. Neither of them lived long past the diagnosis but both of them lived until their last day with a quality of life which was quite good given the circumstances. When my Mum said that it was a message to a family member not to sit all day and let life pass them by. For me it got me thinking. I got to work on changing my lounge room a bit and got Mum’s chair facing the big window and near me on what was my new fancy desktop. Computers had just come into our homes in Australia. She could look out over the hills and see all the birds in the garden. My lounge room window is great for weather and nature watching and my dog would come up on the decking and look in to see her. Once a day he was allowed in and he would sit next to her chair and she just loved to stroke him and talk to him. We ate in the lounge with her and she would watch what I was doing on the computer and could see some amazing things. In the lounge she also had the TV and the radio and could comfortably dose off when she felt like it. Medical carers coming to visit were amazed how animated she was given her level of illness. My neighbour’s chair was also in the lounge room where she could see out her front window and watch our street where there is always something happening and she has birds in her front garden. I made a point of taking my dog for a walk past her place every day because she loved my dog. I’d sometimes get a phone call to go over and visit because she had seen us out on our walk. It meant she was stimulated into making some contact when she felt she was up to it. She had her e-reader and her tablet so she could keep up with her beloved books and email family and friends to keep in contact. She had a lovely, colourful crotchet rug so she could dose off happily when she needed to. In those two cases it made no difference to the length of life but it did make a difference to how they lived those last days. For two other people the chair life got them through some life threatening illnesses and back into normal life. In the first case the hospital had the sense to wheel the person to the window or just outside the room door so they could see people and life going on and participate in any way they could. For the second it was here again and the view of the hills, technology, a pet and other people made sure they could feel like they had a life and the limitations were temporary. My Mum taught me you have to give people a fighting chance and something to be interested in. They might be impossibly sick but they still have a life and a spirit which need nurturing.
Arthur is such an inspiration. He shows us you just need to decide you want to change and then persist until you find that person who can assist the transformation. For Arthur it was DDP Yoga . The story is here.
This is so incredibly moving. Tom Barbour has a Facebook page which is equally inspirational. It is a humbling experience to see what he, his parents and Project Walk have been able to achieve. Tom is tackling his challenge head on. He has been surrounded by people who care and you can see his trainers have some expert skills. The way in which they can help him move forward is extraordinary to watch. Tom is showing us that 2013 is about getting stuck into it, setting your goals and dreaming your dreams. I feel sad it is costing so much money. When some is so willing to tough it out the really hard way, when someone, against the odds, will take their life into their hands and show they are determined to better themselves and then show it all online so others can gain courage and determination too, then it’s sad it costs so much. Makes me put the idle, the destructive and the disruptors into perspective. Why do we focus on them and not people like Tom? Our TV programme The Project picked up this story and it came up in my Facebook feed. That to me is what we should do. Care about those who are adding to our world. Spend time with them helping them and encouraging them. Go with the positives and pay no attention at all to the nay sayers, the negative people and those who would use our time and energy to feed their lack of capacity to achieve something as awesome as Tom Barbour, his family, his friends and his trainers. I look forward to seeing him walk.
Life can be very hard and we are often sliding around mentally and emotionally when it is. This slide presentation helps to keep you focussed and to have the capacity to reframe your mood and thoughts.